integrity

I've pressed "New Post" a million times in the last couple days. I've typed out some nonsense, pressed "Publish", only to delete it 5 minutes later. I've asked myself over and over, what is worth writing about, and how would it benefit those who read it? Good questions. So very often we write things that aren't even worth writing, let alone reading.

Stumbled upon a post on Sarah's blog, click here to read it. :) It talks about integrity, and how sometimes doing the right thing makes you feel wrong. Yes, I've noted the irony. Right now, in this period of my life, this relates to me completely. I feel like I'm a party-pooper all the time, I feel like people exclude me from conversations because I'm no fun. As Sarah puts it,

It feels as if people term you from the behind of their mind. Party pooper, don't tell her, its not worth it. You're just getting yourself into trouble if you tell her.

Well said. I can't laugh when everyone's laughing, I can't join in the fun because in my standards of values, it's wrong. And so many times, it feels like doing the right thing has a bigger punishment than doing the wrong thing. No one tells me anything because I'll ruin the fun and tell them to stop. Don't tell me it's not true, because it is. I'm good little church girl Hazel. I don't want that title, but its what I get. It's not easy, and I find myself feeling so excluded from having fun. Its not that I don't want to have fun, or my definition of fun is different, it's just that I have a very clear line drawn between right and wrong. There's no shade of gray in this, there's only pure black and white.

Ms. Vanita shared one day at devotion about procrastinating. She pointed out a verse to us which stated that we will be judged for what we didn't do, that we should have. I've experienced that quite a bit the last couple weeks. I've gotten in trouble because I didn't do something I should have done. Gotten in trouble for not doing the right thing. Not that I did something wrong, I just didn't do the right thing. I chose to flow with the crowd instead of standing up for what I believe in, standing up to my values. And that, by itself, is wrong.

Churchill said something that sums this up. He said, You have enemies? Good that means you stood up somewhere, for something. How true. I'd rather have a million enemies than a guilty conscience that I compromised with my set of values.

I'm sorry if this is too deep for you, but at least it is something worth writing, and worth reading. :) And shoutout to Sarah for that amazing post which opened my eyes and helped me express what I've been feeling the last couple of months.

Don't worry, I'm perfectly fine. Its nice to know that Jesus is smiling. :)

P/s. Happy Merdeka Day. :D