Thursday, April 28, 2011

just the way you are #1

Dear you,

I wish you were here. I've always wished that. I wish that this entire week you were here just to walk with me through my life, be there when I needed cheering up, give me good advice, and just listen. Because as the days goes by, I find it harder and harder to split time for myself and others fairly. I wish I had you with me, a friend just for me. I have many friends, but not a single one I would consider extra close. There's always something I'm keeping from one friend or another.

But you, you're different. Whenever I find you, whether its soon or years down the road, I'll tell you everything. Everything that I keep stored up in my heart, which only God and me know. My biggest, deepest secrets. And you'll want to know because you love me. And I'll know all your secrets and always listen to you, because I love you.

But since I haven't found you yet, and since I won't know when I will, here's to you.

Right now, in this drastic period of my life, do you wanna know how I feel? I feel scared. Dead, downright, scared. I'm shaking in my skin, and sometimes the goosebumps appear. I'm that sort of person who likes to know exactly what's ahead. I don't like the feeling of uncertainty. Well, that's exactly what running straight into.

A huge, wide path of uncertainty.

I keep on crying out to God and asking, "What should I do?!" I have school work I should be completing this very moment. I have decisions to make in my school - plenty of them now that I'm caught in between the feathers of two supervisors I'd do anything to change. I have colleges to choose, applications to fill out, essays to write, letters of recommendations to get, SAT to study for - you name it. There's so many things to do, but all I do is sit and stare at the wall.

You know why? Because even with everything set out for me to complete, what lies further on is still uncertainty. Uncertain if I'll be able to finish high school on time, uncertain if I'll get a good grade on my SAT, uncertain if I'll get accepted to this college, to that college, uncertain if I'll get a scholarship, uncertain of which college I'll actually be attending (because you can only attend one at the end of the day), and uncertain especially about what college life holds for me.

I'm drowned in uncertainty.

And it scares me, oh so very much.

I want to know what's ahead of me. I want to know who you are. I want to know every little detail about my future.

Tell me about it, I'm a big party pooper who can't stand surprises and wants everything to be certain, perfect, and on schedule. Regular perfectionist. I tell myself, "Do something impulsive for once in your life, Haz." Because I never do that. I try to live by the moment, but you have no idea how hard it is to do that.

It all comes back to being scared about the uncertain.

Ironic, I know, that I can believe in a God that I can't see, but somehow that's different. Because He's proved to me that He's certain, big, and very real. And I can believe in Him, I can trust him, I can throw myself head first towards Him.

But somehow, I can't do that about my future. And I have no idea why.

There's to the ramblings of my heart. ;)

I love you, #14, whoever you are.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Your Plans

Ever wonder why Good Friday was termed as 'good' when what happened on that day doesn't seem good at all, if you didn't know the whole picture. I'm pretty sure today got it's name only after Jesus rose from the dead. There's no way the disciples called this day 'good' after seeing Jesus being crucified.

Just the other day, on the 19th to be precise, I stumbled upon a verse as I read my daily proverb. Evidently, the verse had spoken to me before in an earlier encounter, because I had underlined it. I remember reading the verse for the very first time, a few months ago, probably on another 19th of the month. It was during the period of my life when I was applying for colleges and planning my future out. Well, this verse stuck out of the page like a sore thumb. (Except that sore thumbs don't stick out of pages, forgive my bad comparison.)

"Many are the plans in a person’s heart,
but it is the LORD’s purpose that prevails."
Proverbs 19:21

I'm pretty sure the Pharisees and priests didn't plan for Christ's death to go the way it did. They wanted him dead and forgotten. That certainly didn't happen. I'm pretty sure the disciples didn't put it in their agenda that their master would be crucified on this Friday. Oh sure, they all had many plans. But it wasn't their plan that happened. Instead, it was the Lord's plan that happened. And that was the best plan ever made.

Even as we celebrate Easter this year, I want to remember and thank my Savior for being in control and letting his plan prevail all the time, even if at that very moment, it doesn't seem like the best plan. Thank you for being control of my life, for showing me your will, and helping me accept your plan for my life. Although things may not be going my way, I know it's your plan that is taking place. :)

Saturday, April 16, 2011

To the Appalachians

So it's pretty much official...
I'll be attending App State coming fall. :)
Did'ya know there's a Hazel Mountain nearby?

Thursday, April 14, 2011

trusting You'll catch me

I’m letting go of the life I planned for me and my dreams,
I’m losing control of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

Was reading Josh Brevick's blog, and his latest post about trusting in God put the word "trust" into a totally different perspective. Quoting him,

"So I was recently was praying to God... I was asking God, "God just let things work out this way, so that I can just avoid all the trouble of it." Then as I was reading the word something just clicked I guess you could say.

Trying to avoid troubles like that isn't trusting God.

If you know that God wants you to do something, don't avoid it because of troubles it might bring. God might be leading you to do something, but being afraid of the troubles that thing "might" bring is not trusting Him."

When I was in 3rd grade, my teacher taught us a little lesson on trust that I will never forgot. We all took turns to fall backwards and she would catch us. Now, she was pregnant and she expected us to free-fall backwards into her arms. However, we did as we were told and she caught each and every one of us.

This is trust. It's daring to go out into the unknown, leaving the comfort zone, because you trust that certain someone to be there and protect you. But without taking the risk, trust doesn't come into the picture. Trust goes hand and hand with danger. Why trust when there's no risk involved?

Trusting is a scary thing. With our human nature, we all tend to shrink back from trusting. We all seem to fail when others place their trust in us. But placing your trust in God is completely different. And I know for a fact, he'll be there to catch me whenever I dare to take the fall. :)

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Shakespeare, dear Shakespeare


I've come to the point in life where I must read one of Shakespeare's books. Evidently, educationalists think that everyone should read Shakespeare at least once in their life. In my case, it means Hamlet.

(Speaking of educationalists, I don't get their theory. I mean, how insightful can a tragedy that Shakespeare write be? I could write just as good of a story in a simple sentence. "Hamlet wants to revenge his father's death. In the end, they all die." Taa, done. Masterpiece.)

Anyway, most of the time I'm reading the book upside down. Or, the other half of the time, it feels like I'm reading a foreign language and I'm racking all the matter of my brain to understand what the fellow is saying. (He is acting insane in the book, so that's proves its not entirely my own stupidness.) Only one in a million years do I stumble upon something insightful:

"Look thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,
Nor any unproportioned thought his act.
Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar.
Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them unto thy soul with hoops of steel,
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatched, unfledged courage. Beware
Of entrance to a quarral, but being in,
Bear 't that th' oppos├Ęd may beware of thee.
Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgement."
-Polonius, Act 1 Scene 3

"Doubt thou the stars are fire,
Doubt that the sun doth move,
Doubt truth to be a liar,
But never doubt I love."
-Hamlet, Act 2 Scene 2

The former is words of advice from a pretty foolish counselor, in my opinion. The latter is, well, Hamlet expressing his love to Ophelia, or his pretense expression of love, because remember, he's putting on a show of madness. Either case, I love the latter quote. It's really romantic/deep/profound. I like all three adjectives.

So I've narrowed it down to a conclusion of three points:
#o1. It is said that Shakespeare is a romantic person. Am I not right - who wrote Romeo and Juliet? So tell me, what is romantic about a guy acting lunatic, a girl who must deny her love for Hamlet, and the girl dies because indirectly, the guy kills her. And then, the guy dies too.
#o2. Does Shakespeare not know of forgiveness? Because, simply, if that element was present, we could cut the whole story short and have a happy ending.
#o3. 'Good' ghosts don't exist. Period. Exclamation mark.

And now, in accordance with the three points above, I will write my new, happy, and short version of Hamlet:
"King Hamlet is murdered by his brother, Claudius. Within 2 months after King Hamlet's death, Claudius becomes king and marries King Hamlet's wife, Gertrude. Hamlet, the son of the deceased King, finds out about the murder of his father (through logical means, mind you, not through a ghost.) and wants to revenge. Fortunately, forgiveness comes into the picture and Claudius resigns from the throne. Hamlet is appointed King over Denmark and marries Ophelia. The End."

Now, that's better.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

the things I miss

It's time like this when you look back
and miss the way things were. ♡

Friday, April 1, 2011

Have great courage

"To defeat the darkness out there,
you must defeat the darkness inside yourself."