just the way you are #1

Dear you,

I wish you were here. I've always wished that. I wish that this entire week you were here just to walk with me through my life, be there when I needed cheering up, give me good advice, and just listen. Because as the days goes by, I find it harder and harder to split time for myself and others fairly. I wish I had you with me, a friend just for me. I have many friends, but not a single one I would consider extra close. There's always something I'm keeping from one friend or another.

But you, you're different. Whenever I find you, whether its soon or years down the road, I'll tell you everything. Everything that I keep stored up in my heart, which only God and me know. My biggest, deepest secrets. And you'll want to know because you love me. And I'll know all your secrets and always listen to you, because I love you.

But since I haven't found you yet, and since I won't know when I will, here's to you.

Right now, in this drastic period of my life, do you wanna know how I feel? I feel scared. Dead, downright, scared. I'm shaking in my skin, and sometimes the goosebumps appear. I'm that sort of person who likes to know exactly what's ahead. I don't like the feeling of uncertainty. Well, that's exactly what running straight into.

A huge, wide path of uncertainty.

I keep on crying out to God and asking, "What should I do?!" I have school work I should be completing this very moment. I have decisions to make in my school - plenty of them now that I'm caught in between the feathers of two supervisors I'd do anything to change. I have colleges to choose, applications to fill out, essays to write, letters of recommendations to get, SAT to study for - you name it. There's so many things to do, but all I do is sit and stare at the wall.

You know why? Because even with everything set out for me to complete, what lies further on is still uncertainty. Uncertain if I'll be able to finish high school on time, uncertain if I'll get a good grade on my SAT, uncertain if I'll get accepted to this college, to that college, uncertain if I'll get a scholarship, uncertain of which college I'll actually be attending (because you can only attend one at the end of the day), and uncertain especially about what college life holds for me.

I'm drowned in uncertainty.

And it scares me, oh so very much.

I want to know what's ahead of me. I want to know who you are. I want to know every little detail about my future.

Tell me about it, I'm a big party pooper who can't stand surprises and wants everything to be certain, perfect, and on schedule. Regular perfectionist. I tell myself, "Do something impulsive for once in your life, Haz." Because I never do that. I try to live by the moment, but you have no idea how hard it is to do that.

It all comes back to being scared about the uncertain.

Ironic, I know, that I can believe in a God that I can't see, but somehow that's different. Because He's proved to me that He's certain, big, and very real. And I can believe in Him, I can trust him, I can throw myself head first towards Him.

But somehow, I can't do that about my future. And I have no idea why.

There's to the ramblings of my heart. ;)

I love you, #14, whoever you are.