integrity

I've pressed "New Post" a million times in the last couple days. I've typed out some nonsense, pressed "Publish", only to delete it 5 minutes later. I've asked myself over and over, what is worth writing about, and how would it benefit those who read it? Good questions. So very often we write things that aren't even worth writing, let alone reading.

Stumbled upon a post on Sarah's blog, click here to read it. :) It talks about integrity, and how sometimes doing the right thing makes you feel wrong. Yes, I've noted the irony. Right now, in this period of my life, this relates to me completely. I feel like I'm a party-pooper all the time, I feel like people exclude me from conversations because I'm no fun. As Sarah puts it,

It feels as if people term you from the behind of their mind. Party pooper, don't tell her, its not worth it. You're just getting yourself into trouble if you tell her.

Well said. I can't laugh when everyone's laughing, I can't join in the fun because in my standards of values, it's wrong. And so many times, it feels like doing the right thing has a bigger punishment than doing the wrong thing. No one tells me anything because I'll ruin the fun and tell them to stop. Don't tell me it's not true, because it is. I'm good little church girl Hazel. I don't want that title, but its what I get. It's not easy, and I find myself feeling so excluded from having fun. Its not that I don't want to have fun, or my definition of fun is different, it's just that I have a very clear line drawn between right and wrong. There's no shade of gray in this, there's only pure black and white.

Ms. Vanita shared one day at devotion about procrastinating. She pointed out a verse to us which stated that we will be judged for what we didn't do, that we should have. I've experienced that quite a bit the last couple weeks. I've gotten in trouble because I didn't do something I should have done. Gotten in trouble for not doing the right thing. Not that I did something wrong, I just didn't do the right thing. I chose to flow with the crowd instead of standing up for what I believe in, standing up to my values. And that, by itself, is wrong.

Churchill said something that sums this up. He said, You have enemies? Good that means you stood up somewhere, for something. How true. I'd rather have a million enemies than a guilty conscience that I compromised with my set of values.

I'm sorry if this is too deep for you, but at least it is something worth writing, and worth reading. :) And shoutout to Sarah for that amazing post which opened my eyes and helped me express what I've been feeling the last couple of months.

Don't worry, I'm perfectly fine. Its nice to know that Jesus is smiling. :)

P/s. Happy Merdeka Day. :D

little "tips"

I decided to just post a short one, since this is absolutely lame. I'm reading Up Your Score by Six Kids who Aced the SAT. Its... helpful? In a way. (I'm trusting its what made my sister get a 2350.)

Here's a method for you:

"The clothes you wear on the test day are very important. If the test is on a rainy day, wear a raincoat. However, if the test is on a day when the Red Sox are playing at home, wear two pairs of socks. If there has been an earthquake during the past week anywhere in Canada, make sure you wear a blindfold during the test (you can take it off during the breaks). Follow these rules, and you are destined to score well."

I like the Red Sox part. HAHA. :) Well, here's to 5-days-long weekend filled with staying at home, studying, looking for more colleges... did I mention staying at home? I'm not complaining, home beats school by far. Its just that I'm already bedridden to my wonderful house for the entire month of October, does it look like I need a 5 days break? ;) I cannot wait for june/july of next year. :D

Time is an illusion

Just finished cooking, and eating, an amazing dish of pasta with pesto sauce. Basil, garlic, cheese, almonds, bacon... yummy. :)

Yesterday, I skyped with Lyds and Ian, a 9 year old who's 5 foot 2, weighing 120 pounds, and wears a size 8 shoe. He, if anyone else, makes me feel like a midget. But then again, a lot of people make me feel like a midget anyways. :P

Me So how about you stand so we can see how tall you are.
Ian Oh my gosh.

Well, anyway, to update you about my sister's driving skills, she's so good, she ended up on the other side of the road when turning a sharp corner. HAHA. Not to mention that her instructor was like, "Smart people usually aren't good drivers." I plan to prove him and all the other mean criticizers of woman drivers wrong when I start driving.

Ever feel like, you have so little time but so much at the same time. I have such a busy schedule set out for me for the coming year and it seems like there's so much to do... but I'm just sitting here, enjoying all the free moments I have for myself. I don't feel like I'm wasting time or doing nothing, I'm not worried, I'm perfectly at peace because I know what's ahead for me.

Sometimes, I look around me and I see everyone wasting time and messing around aimlessly with no goal in life or plan. Its sad because they don't really know what they're doing. It just makes me really glad to know that at least I know what I'm working for - at least for the next 2 years of my life. I have an amazing writer of my life. :)

♫ Oliver James Ride of Your Life

so long, farewell.

And I hope you find it

What you're looking for

And I hope it's everything

You dreamed your life could be

And so much more

Today's Rachel See's last day, thus the title. Shoutout to her: wishing you all the best in Thailand. Study hard, follow Him, and hold on there when you feel alone, tired, or scared. Thankyou for being a great companion in work, discussing tests, questions, and projects. :) I'll miss youu.

School's been boring, tedious, strenuous, and whatnot. I'm pulling through, trying to be content, but to be honest, I cannot wait for October. Rephrase that, I can't wait for July 2011. :D

I've been searching for colleges, and have stumbled across quite a few that I'm liking. Pray that I'll pick the right 4 and I'll get accepted. Hopefully a scholarship too. God's will, not mine.

I really should go write my research paper on dolphin's intelligence. I absolutely adore dolphins (and horses), but writing a research about them - totally not my thing. D:

Oh, not forgetting, it's the 19th of August. ;)

Happy Birthday Raquel :)

you and me.

No one has made me feel like you do, Ronnie.

I don't want to lose you.

#o1. I'm indulging in country music. :) Kenny Chesney - Boys of Fall ♥
#o2. This weekend, I order my SAT Prep book. Princeton! :)
#o3. &more searching for colleges. :\
#o4. The Last Song, OMG LOVE.  I could not stop crying throughout the movie. Definitely an 8/10 if not moree. :)
#o5. I've been reading the Redemption Series by Karen Kingsbury and Gary Smalley. Really niceeee. Aaahh. <3
#06. Lizards never fail to ruin my day.
#o7. I need to write a research paper and am entirely blank on a topic. Suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

(Yes, this blog post is entirely jumbled.)

peek-a-boo

I just came back from an amazing three days. I'm physically exhausted but trust me, very mentally and spiritually refreshed. It also made me aware of what an amazing bunch of friends I have... yet again. And lastly, it pointed out my biggest fault. Underestimating.

To be honest, I agreed to attend this because I felt obliged(?). Okay, not exactly the perfect adjective, but let's just say I wasn't exactly sure why I was going. As Friday drew nearer, I got excited. I started expecting something. Mainly, I just wanted to have a refreshing break. I think I got more than that.

I always think there's a line to everything. In this case, there's a line to being serious and having fun. And I'm really proud to say that I think we did a reallyyy good job drawing that line exactly where it needed to be drawn. Being me, I'm that sort of person who draws the line a little closer to seriousness than fun, if you get me. Usually I'm the one organizing it and getting stressed and everything - perfecting the whole thing - so maybe that's why the line ends up closer to seriousness. It was really nice not having much to do in organizing this one. Trust me, its so nice to be served to.

Going back to that one word - underestimating. After spending this weekend with the 10 of them, I'm surprised that I thought lower of them. I have no idea how to phrase this. Sometimes, I misjudge? I mean, not in a bad way. I just didn't see everyone in their highest potential.

Well, if you ask me what was the best part of the retreat, it wouldn't be one specific radical event. But I think the best part of all the wonderful parts would be simply the memories. Its like, I finally felt I could relate to everyone. A mention of this old school mate, and I know that person. A mention of an event that happened a while back at school, and its like, you get to chip in cause you were there when it happened. I guess it all comes with the amount of time you spend with a certain group, in this case, a school.

Once again, I swallow regret because it always seems that right when I've finally reached simple contentment is when I have to go. I guess that's where the phrase, "If its not okay, then it's not the end." comes in. I use the reverse. It's finally okay - thus, it's the end. This is not a first. I reached the point of pure happiness in Maine, and exactly then I had to leave.

As hard as it is, I know God has a great plan for me, for you, and for all of us. I thank Him so much for giving this opportunity to spend this time with you all, for teaching something, and for being always in charge. As for the 10 of you alongside me, I really hope you'll never forget this experience. I love you all. :)

P/s. Not forgetting basketball, toothpaste, Skip-Bo, and everything else. Oh, and did I mention that Ang Bee Bee is so awesome? Well, she is.

P/p/s. There's now a LIKE button in wordpress. So go like this. If you don't see the option below, go press "Leave a comment" at the top of the post and like it. :) I know you like anyhow. :P

life through a pinhole.

my daily life on board my dear computer consist of this:

Firstly, I totally lurrveee my Google Chrome theme.

Secondly, this really boosts your self-esteem. :D

My critical reading skills need improvement? :\

CNN is absolutely, completely boring.

And lastly, College Board tells me exactly what to do. :)